“As we work to create light for others, we naturally light our own way.”
~Mary Anne Radmacher
The Four-Hugs Rule
If you raised children in the 1990s, you may remember Charlotte Diamond’s song Four Hugs a Day.
The chorus famously goes:
“Four hugs a day, that’s the minimum,
Four hugs a day, not the maximum!”
The song was a staple in our house, and apparently, my niece took the lyrics very seriously.
One day, as she was leaving our house, I leaned in to give her a hug. She stepped back, held up her hand, and said, “Wait. I’m at my maximum.”
“What maximum?” I asked.
“My hugs. I’ve already had four today.”
She genuinely believed the song was setting a daily limit.
Years later, we still laugh about it. In fact, it’s become part of our family vocabulary. When someone goes in for a hug, there’s a good chance someone will ask, “Are you at your maximum?”
The Appreciation Paradox
The funny thing is, I’ve come to realize that many leaders have their own version of the four-hugs rule when it comes to appreciation.
We say we value people. We know appreciation matters. Most of us can point to moments in our own lives when someone’s words of encouragement, belief, or gratitude stayed with us for years. Yet when it comes to expressing appreciation ourselves, we often become surprisingly cautious, as though there is a limited supply that needs to be carefully managed.
Over the years, I’ve heard all kinds of reasons. If I say it too often, it will lose its meaning. If people expect appreciation, it won’t feel special. If I acknowledge one person, what about everyone else?
Underlying these concerns is a belief that appreciation only has value when it is rare.
And yet, I’ve never met anyone who complained about receiving too much sincere appreciation. But I’ve met plenty of people who felt unseen.
Plenty who wondered if their effort mattered. Plenty who carried self-doubt while quietly doing good work that went unnoticed.
No one ever says, “The problem around here is that people appreciate me too much.”
That’s the paradox.
Appreciation is one of the few resources that expands when we give it away. Yet many of us treat it as though it’s a magic lamp with only three wishes inside. We save it for the annual review, the major accomplishment, or the employee who hits it out of the park.
The reality is quite the opposite. Appreciation is more like air. More like sunlight. It’s abundant, renewable, and available every day. There’s no danger of running out but we ration it, afraid that too much might somehow lessen its impact. Meanwhile, the everyday moments that deserve to be noticed often go unspoken.
Recognition Vs. Appreciation
Part of the confusion comes from how we think about appreciation in the first place.
Recognition often focuses on outcomes. We acknowledge the project, the result, the accomplishment.
Appreciation goes a step further. It notices the person behind the result.
There’s a difference between “Good job on the presentation” and “I appreciated the calm confidence you brought to that presentation. You made a complicated topic easy to understand, and I could see the audience relax because of it.”
One acknowledges performance. The other helps someone feel seen.
That distinction matters because leaders are right about one thing: there is a version of appreciation that loses its impact. Generic praise repeated on autopilot eventually becomes background noise. Appreciation that is performative, shallow, or insincere rarely lands.
But that’s not an argument for giving less appreciation. It’s an argument for giving better appreciation.
When we notice something worthwhile, we can say it. We can be timely enough that the moment still feels alive. We can be specific enough that people know exactly what we saw. We can be genuine enough that they believe us.
In my experience, people rarely forget those moments. Years later, they may not remember the project plan, the quarterly goals, or even the details of the work itself. But they often remember how someone made them feel. They remember the leader who noticed. The mentor who believed in them. The colleague who took the time to say what others may have been thinking but never expressed.
There Is No Maximum
My niece eventually learned that Charlotte Diamond wasn’t setting a daily hug quota. The song wasn’t about limits; it was about abundance.
Appreciation works much the same way.
We don’t need to save it for annual reviews, promotions, or extraordinary achievements. When we see something good in another person, we can say it.
Thoughtfully. Specifically. Authentically.
Because helping people feel seen is one of the few resources we never run out of.
And for the record, hugs don’t have a maximum either.
