“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
~Anaïs Nin
I’m not proud of who I find easiest to appreciate.
It’s something I’ve come to notice in myself, and in the leaders I work with. Our attention often goes to what is visible, familiar, and easy to relate to, the person who speaks up with confidence, the standout result, the work that clearly moves the needle, or, if I’m being honest, the people who are most like me.
Those moments draw our attention and give us something concrete to respond to, so appreciation often flows there first.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve been exploring different facets of appreciation. First, why it can feel like a luxury rather than a leadership practice, and more recently, why giving appreciation can feel risky.
This reflection moves us into a different layer. Not why we hold back, but what we notice in the first place.
What we Notice is Rarely Neutral
The hardest part of appreciation is noticing what’s worth appreciating.
Our noticing is shaped by what we value, what stands out to us, and how we’re showing up in the moment.
When we haven’t trained our attention, we default to what is obvious. People who are visible. People who are vocal. People whose contributions are easy to connect to outcomes. And while those contributions matter, they represent only part of what makes a team work.
There are always others.
The person who builds trust quietly over time. The one who brings steadiness in moments of pressure. The team member who notices what others miss or creates space for others to contribute. The kind of contributions that don’t demand attention but shape the experience and performance of a team in meaningful ways.
These are often the people who go unseen when they are not in the spotlight.
This is where a gap begins to form.
It’s not that we don’t care, it is that our attention is shaped by our values, preferences, and even our energy. We tend to notice qualities that mirror our own or align with what we admire. Confidence may stand out to one leader. Precision or efficiency to another. Warmth or enthusiasm to someone else.
The Role of Triggers and Fatigue
Our triggers play a role as well. When someone frustrates us or challenges our expectations, it becomes harder to see beyond that moment. Our attention narrows, and what we notice tends to confirm what we already believe.
Fatigue has an impact too. When we are stretched or moving quickly, we scan for what is obvious and move on. The quieter contributions require more presence than we have in those moments.
This is the judgment gap, and it often operates without our awareness.
We are not withholding appreciation. We are filtering it.
Over time, that filter shapes who feels seen, who feels valued, and who understands the role they play in something larger.
Where is your attention
The work I’ve been doing on appreciation has led me to pay much closer attention to where I place my own. If appreciation is about helping people feel seen, heard, and valued, then it begins with how we choose to see.
What I see in leaders is a tendency to focus on what stands out, rather than what sits just beneath it.
A more useful question is this: What am I noticing? And what might I be missing?
Because once we begin to look more closely, there is always more there.
Where to Look
In my book, I offer a simple way to expand that lens by paying attention to three areas: qualities, strengths, and behaviours.
- Qualities speak to who someone is, their character and presence.
- Strengths show up in how they approach their work and interact with others.
- Behaviours reflect what they do that makes a difference, often in small, consistent ways.
When we start to look across all three, appreciation becomes easier to access and more meaningful to give.
Once you begin noticing more, you’ll find there’s no shortage of things to appreciate.
A Deeper Look
Occasionally, this reflection leads somewhere deeper. If you struggle to find anything to appreciate in someone, it’s worth pausing. There may be something in the relationship, the environment, or the alignment that deserves attention. That is not something appreciation alone can resolve, but it is important to notice.
For me, this has become less about getting appreciation right and more about paying attention differently.
Because who we see is rarely accidental.
It is shaped by what we value, what we notice, and where we choose to place our attention.
Who might you be overlooking simply because their contribution
doesn’t stand out at first glance?
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Book Circle: This reflection is part of my upcoming book, SEEN: The Power of Appreciation at Work, where I explore how we as leaders build connection, trust, and a sense of belonging through appreciation. As I move toward a summer launch, I’m also sharing the thinking, questions, and experiences shaping the book in a smaller space called the SEEN Book Circle.
If you’re interested in being close to the process, not just the outcome, and in witnessing how SEEN comes to life, you’re very welcome to join me. Sign up here.
