“When there is trust, conflict becomes nothing but the pursuit of truth, an attempt to find the best possible answer.”
~ Patrick Lencioni
When you hear the word “conflict,” what comes to mind?
For many of us, it conjures images of people yelling, red-faced with frustration, hurling personal attacks or engaging in stony silence. It’s no wonder conflict has a bad reputation.
But what if I told you that not all conflict is bad? Indeed, healthy conflict is the secret sauce of high-performing teams. It’s what happens when teams have the courage to collide—not with animosity but with curiosity and commitment to finding the best solution.
Healthy conflict doesn’t destroy relationships; it strengthens them. It recognizes it’s okay to disagree and debate ideas. When we can hear all perspectives, pressure-test hypotheses, and encourage dissent to ensure every voice is heard, the best ideas (not the loudest voice) tend to rise to the top. Unhealthy conflict, on the other hand, is the stuff of nightmares: aggressive, personal, and divisive. Understanding the difference is the first step to unlocking the potential for healthy conflict on your team.
A Personal Perspective on Conflict
Growing up in a loud, verbal Irish family, ‘conflict’ was part of daily life—but not in the way you might think. Mealtimes were often filled with spirited debates with the decibel level rising as each of us sought to be heard. Coming from a quieter background, my husband would joke about the “fighting Irish” whenever he saw us in action. But to us, it wasn’t fighting; it was learning. We exchanged ideas, challenged each other’s perspectives, and walked away with deeper insights.
It wasn’t until I began working in teams that I realized not everyone saw conflict this way. For some, the idea of disagreement felt unsafe or even combative. This difference in perspective stems from our experiences and the cultures we grow up in. But no matter your background, one thing is universal: how we approach conflict can make or break a team.
Healthy Conflict vs. Unhealthy Conflict
In his book The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni describes a spectrum of conflict. On one end lies artificial harmony—a place where teams avoid disagreement at all costs. Everyone agrees on the surface, but there’s little buy-in or commitment beneath it. At the other end is mean-spirited conflict, where personal attacks and disrespect reign supreme.
Neither extreme serves teams well. To function at their best, teams need to find the middle ground, where trust is strong enough to allow for open, honest debate without fear of retribution. Healthy conflict lives here.
Here’s what healthy conflict looks like:
- Disagreement around ideas, not people.
- A willingness to mine for dissent to uncover blind spots and new perspectives.
- Active listening and curiosity rather than defensiveness or hostility.
In contrast, unhealthy conflict is personal, disrespectful, and rooted in ego or unresolved tension. It derails conversations and fractures relationships.
Trust: The Foundation of Healthy Conflict
To build a culture of healthy conflict, teams need a foundation of trust.
Without trust, conflict feels threatening. With trust, it becomes a tool for growth. Building this trust takes time and intentionality. It starts with getting to know each other on a personal level—understanding motivations, strengths, and even what makes someone tick under pressure.
When teams trust each other, they can engage in healthy conflict without fear of being judged, dismissed, or attacked. Trust transforms collisions of ideas into opportunities for collaboration and creativity.
three tips to build the courage to collide
So, how can teams lean into healthy conflict? Here are three practical tips:
- Don’t Take It Personally
When someone challenges your idea, it’s not a critique of you. Remember, if you are staying in the zone of healthy conflict, it’s about improving ideas, not tearing people down. Separate yourself from your ideas to create the space for constructive dialogue. - Be Connected, Not Attached
As much as you might love your idea, stay open to others building on it or reshaping it into something even better. High-performing teams leverage the collective genius of their members, creating outcomes far greater than the sum of their parts. - Keep Perspective: It’s About Getting It Right, Not Being Right
As Brené Brown wisely says, “We’re not here to be right. We’re here to get it right.” Let go of your ego and focus on the shared goal. When the team wins, you win too.
Reframing COnflict
If we can reframe our relationship with conflict, we unlock its potential to drive better results. Healthy conflict isn’t just a nice to have; it’s essential for team performance. By distinguishing between productive and destructive conflict, building trust, and cultivating the courage to collide, teams can move from surface-level agreement to true collaboration.
The next time you feel tension rising in your team, don’t shy away from it. Instead, lean in with curiosity and courage. Because when teams collide in the right way, they don’t just survive—they thrive.
How has your past shaped your view of conflict?
When was the last time you leaned into a disagreement?
What can you do to build trust for healthy conflict?
