“Feedback is an opportunity to see ourselves from the outside, but it’s up to us to interpret what we see.”
~ Sheila Heen & Douglas Stone, Thanks for the Feedback
In high school, I was a confident writer and didn’t shy away from public speaking. These strengths propelled me forward—until I met Mr. Cunningham. He was the “cool” teacher who insisted we call him Ron, and no matter how much effort I put into my work, my grades capped at 55 percent.
Then came the public speaking assignment. Finally, the opportunity to prove myself. I poured my heart into it, thinking this would turn things around. The result? A whopping 56 percent. Frustrated, I scheduled a meeting with Ron, hoping for feedback. His blunt response still rings in my ears: “Catherine, you have to accept that writing and speaking aren’t your strengths. Don’t base a career on them.”
Ever had a moment of searing clarity?
That was mine. Ron’s feedback didn’t shake my confidence—in fact, it did the opposite. His dismissive comment fortified my inner knowing. I trusted my instincts, and after high school, I went on to journalism school and built a successful career in corporate communications—a career that very much relied on my writing and speaking skills.
Looking back, I realize that this experience ties into a powerful lesson about feedback: you are in charge of what you take in and what you reject.
The Receiver Is in Charge
In their book Thanks for the Feedback, authors Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone remind us that while feedback is often about the giver, it’s the receiver who holds the reins. The world is full of feedback—some helpful, some…well, not so much. And as the person on the receiving end, you have the power to decide what feedback serves you and what doesn’t.
It’s easy to dismiss feedback as untrue or unfair, especially if it stings or doesn’t fit our narrative. But the goal isn’t outright rejecting it because it could reveal a blind spot. Instead, it’s about doing the work to decide if it fits—without letting it derail your confidence or blind you to growth opportunities. The trick is finding the balance between trusting your inner knowing and staying open to feedback that could help you grow.
Why We Reject Feedback
According to Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone, people often reject feedback for three main reasons:
1. The Relationship Trigger:
This occurs when we don’t trust the person giving the feedback. Ron, for example, was out of sync with the other English teachers I’d experienced. His feedback didn’t align with what others saw in me or how I viewed myself, making it easy to question its validity.
2. The Truth Trigger:
Sometimes, feedback just doesn’t ring true. When Ron told me that writing and speaking weren’t my strengths, it didn’t feel accurate. I had always felt confident in these areas, and his words didn’t fit my experience or my inner knowing. If he had told me math wasn’t my strength and not to pursue engineering, that would have rung true.
3. The Identity Trigger:
This one’s deeper—feedback that challenges how we see ourselves can feel like an attack on our identity. Writing and speaking were core parts of who I was, and when Ron dismissed them, it felt personal. But rather than undermining my sense of self, his words strengthened my determination to pursue the path I knew was right for me.
How to Handle Feedback You’re Unsure About
While trusting your gut is essential, dismissing feedback too quickly can sometimes lead us to miss valuable insights. Here are three ways to handle feedback effectively:
1. Pause Before Reacting
Your first instinct might be to reject feedback that doesn’t feel good—but give yourself space to process it. Ask yourself: What’s my emotional reaction here? Is there something in this feedback that might be helpful, even if it’s uncomfortable?
2. Check with Other Sources
If you receive feedback that doesn’t sit well, seek validation from trusted sources. Ask people who know you well: Does this feedback align with what you see in me? Often, others can help you discern whether the feedback holds any truth or if it’s simply off the mark.
3. Trust Your Inner Knowing But Stay Curious
You know yourself better than anyone else. Trust your strengths and instincts, but don’t close yourself off. There’s a balance between holding onto your self-assurance and remaining curious about how others see you. It’s not about accepting or rejecting feedback entirely—it’s about taking what serves you and leaving what doesn’t.
Feedback is a gift, but it’s one you’re allowed to unwrap, examine, and decide whether to keep. After all, the person in charge of the feedback you receive is you.
What’s one piece of feedback you’ve received that changed your perspective, and how did it shape your growth?
